There was a time...

And then comes a time when you realize you cannot stand on your own two feet anymore.

When all strenght is gone and you can't carry on. When the tide is just too strong and you can't swim against it.

Then comes a time when you realize you are not self sufficient, fast nor smart. You realize you are just small as anyonelse. As lost as the lot of them.

Then comes a time when you realize you are normal.

And being normal, you suffer like anyone else.

To be special doesn't mean being better than the rest. It means doing something that people congratulate you for, but it won't make you better than them.

And I realize all that now.

I can't go on alone. I need help from every being around me. I need help to find my way thru this.

I need help to make myself special. Not to anyone. Special under my own eyes.

I need to believe in myself.

Once I do that, I think I can carry on.

Winter Wake

It's been a long, hot summer.

Now it's over.

The leaves are falling from the trees, the sky is growing gray.

No more unbelievable heat, no more sweating.

Autumn has arrived, and brought with him my relief. Winter will soon be here. The cold wind, gray skies, freezing nights... My body and mind shiver with anticipation.

Autumn is the prelude of my Winter Symphony. Come Winter, my tired self will be able to take a breath and be fully functional again. Summers are heavy on me. The Sun blinds me, the heat holds back all of my mental and rational faculties.

Last summer was specially hard, though. Way harder than most. No wonder the first breeze of Autumn wind set a fire in my heart: easier days are coming...

I don't mind wearing tons of clothing. I don't mind having my face blushed with the cold air or my fingertips frozen.

Winter is magical. Snowed or not, it is. Winter can do me no wrong. Winter is my element. Winter is my friend.

Winter brings me peace of mind. Winter saves me from the depths of anywhere.

Winter won't let me down. Winter will bring me back to life.

Again...

I really didn't see that one coming...

I lived for so long inside that iron armor of mine I actually forgot how it felt to be undressed of it. Surely it got damaged along the way, but all it did was to perfect it. It made me harder, better, faster, stronger. Or so I thought.

I was laced while the armor was being repaired, so I never dressed it again.

At first I thought love would be my new armor and shield me from all and any harm. But now I see it doesn't work that way. It is a different kind of shield. There are many things I must face that the love armor won't do much to help.

And I was buried inside the old carcass so deep, I'm lost. I had forgotten what it is like to cry desperately for a solution. I don't know what to do. I know I shouldn't, but I want my old helmet back. Not to get rid of the new one, but to ally one into the other.

I know I must carry on without it, and I'm trying to. But I can't help looking back at it and thinking "what if...".

But my hope is not lost. I know someday I won'r look back on any of it. I know someday I'll be able to be bare naked true and speak out. I know someday I'll be strong enough to be honest to myself.

He who has not loved...

... knows not what it is like to be empty of tears.

He who does not cherish the best moments knows not what it is like to wish them to come back like never wished anything else before.

He who has never left the loved one's embrace knows not what it is like to yearn the loving warmth back like a new born breathing for the first time.

No man should be kept away from his or her significant one. They fell in love for a reason, hence being kept apart goes against the nature of love: love is a many splendorous thing, meant to make us happy and alive whilst distance makes us suffer.

But love will find its way. Love always finds its way.

Every little thing is gonna be alright.

Y

Carrie

Seriously, sometimes I think I am a Carrie of some sort. And there's no one to blame but me. I do this to myself. I don't interact, I don't talk. I barely breath. People oughtta think I'm a sociopath or anything like that.

I wanted to be normal. I'd love to be sociable. It does make life tons easier.

Then again, people are hard to deal with. you think you know them and - BANG, you get shot between the eyes. It's life biggest, bitchiest dilemma. Or at least mine.

Sure I'd love to be surrounded by friends, go out every other night. If only they'd demand no or little emotion, 'cause I don't think I can handle a friendship break up like the last.

I'm completely lost, that's the truth.

My bestest are abroad, the others are far. Even the one closest seems way too far.

It was so damn easier when we were all friends by nature.

I don't know how to start a conversation, let alone a friendship. I just can't. so, I won't. Let my friday nights be reserved to studying calculus, political sciences, demand/offer graphs, web doll dressing, make up face chart drawing and self loathing.

Paloma Faith's 'Romance is Dead'

The plastic flowers you gave
Sit on the table
So unstable
And there's some greasy fingerprints
On that pre wrote birthday card
You wrote your name in
And I know that you make your effort
But I think you could do much better

Are roses blue and violets red
Say it isn't true
Don't tell me romance is dead
So wake up you sleepy head
All your dreams are just a kiss away

I asked you for a letter
So you emailed
Have we failed?
Oh you kiss with such a potential
Then ask to speed up
It's not enough
And now I'm carrying my own bags up
Seventeen flights of stairs love

Are roses blue and violets red
Say it isn't true
Don't tell me romance is dead
So wake up you sleepy head
All your dreams are just a kiss away

It shouldn't take Valentine's day
Just to show you love me
You don't need any money
Just a vivid imagination

Are roses blue and violets red
Say it isn't true
Don't tell me romance is dead
So wake up you sleepy head
All your dreams are just a kiss away

Well, is it?

I bleed it out...

Funny thing, it never really got in the way. Being quiet and submissive, keeping all thoughts, angst, anger and sadness to myself felt healthy and accomplishing. I learnt to deal it all by myself, never actually needed to straighten things up with no one, after all I had already done it by myself.

But now... I feel it is as curse. I am absolutely and completely unable to open up to someone. I can sure talk about it to another person, but to the one, never. I am stuck with my anguished, angry, sorry, crying self, unable to make things straight.

And it is little things. The problem is, there are way too many of those little things and I just can't handle them myself alone. I need to speak them out or nothing will change and the wrong will be repeated again and again. I must. Before I explode.

Although, I'm pretty sure that if I do spill my guts out and cry all I have to (again), I'll sound bitchy and selfish. But I can explain. It might not be excusable, but it is explainable: I can't and I don't know how to deal with all these situations.

I can count in one hand the friends I've got, and with the other, the number of times I actually see them, face-to-face.

And the one person I'm supposed to share it all? Well, I just can't. I'm just too damn scared. And senselessly as it sounds, it makes me even sadder that he won't just guess what my mouth just won't say.

I'm fed up with that. I ain't changing for a very long time, if I ever do. I just wish that this phase goes away. I'm tired of feeling abandoned and sad instead of happy for him when he goes out, tired of being down, tired of being so submissive to everyone. I'm tired.

I just want my happily ever after.

Every arrival seems like the first one.

And every departure feels like the last one.

It is hard to leave the one you love behind, even if for little time.

But nothing can be compared to the happiness and thrill of meeting again, falling into his arms, hearing his racing heart and feeling his warmth again.

Yearning for the reunion is what keeps us together.

Give it a thought (3)

I'm not McDonald's, you CAN'T have it your way.

(nor any other way, by the way...)

I don't know where I stand right now. All I know is I'm standing on both feet and that's all I need to keep doing.

(keep walking...)

You can't play the victim this time.

(even though you keep trying SO hard... fool.)

Try really hard not to lose yourself inside your own mind.

(she is completely lost... someone's gotta do something. but not me. not this time. we're through.)

If my life was perfect, I'd be bored and you would have nothing to screw up.

(there's always gonna be a screwer.)

I'm sorry, did my back hurt your knife?

(my bad.... )

this is how i say "fuck off, i'm done with you, petty traitor".

:)

It's useless.

It is absolutely and intrinsically useless to try to make it up to someone who doesn't want it.

More than no wanting to make up, the other person wants to be attacked and be on top at the same time. She wants to be attacked because she wants people to feel sorry for her after you do so. And in order to be attacked, she attacks you. Hence she is on top.

But to worsen it out, she victimizes herself. She gets blinded by her own spiderweb of unbearable and unnecessary drama, and makes your will of making it right thinner and thinner. And it will do no good admitting your wrongs to her, because, even if she admits hers, she'll claim they were all caused by you. YOU were wrong. YOU hurt her. YOU are a bastard.

The other person will never ever consider your side. Eventually, by some miracle or demand of a situation, she might say "let's leave it at that, but i was right all along".

The thing is... Gosh, there are so many things. I could go on and on with this 3 ring circus. But I'm tired. She built it up to a point where i lose my sleep and get ulcers just thinking about social networks. And I don't want it anymore. I don't want to talk. I don't want to make it right, even because there is no way of making it right. Everyone can be hypocrite enough to stand a couple of hours around each other with no direct eye contact or word exchange. And both of us can be pretty damn hypocrite. I'm sick and tired of carrying a weight which is not mine to carry. Whatever we've done, we don't deserve this. We never meant no harm, but now, we just want distance.

A while ago I'd say I'm sorry. But now, I just can't say it. I don't like lying.

What's the matter with you?

gmalato: "What's the matter with you? I think your brain is going soft with all that comedy you are playing with that young girl. Never tell anyone outside the Family what you are thinking again. Go on."

no matter how deep into shit's creek you are, He's always gonna have the wisest of words.

So long

I had a dream last night...

We were all together in vast green field, having a picnic.

Nothing had changed.

We sat and laughed of silly things we'd do and say.

Nothing had changed.

We remembered everything we'd been through. Everything we'd done together.

Nothing had changed.

Then, I woke up. And I remembered... you are all gone.

Saying goodbye to a friend isn't easy.

Saying goodbye to the dearest of friends is awfully painful.

But they left because it was the best for them. So it'd be stupidly selfish of me to see it as a bad thing.

They are not here with me, they are hundreds of thousand miles away. But they're fine. They're happy. And that's what matters.

All in all, all I must do is thank them.

For since the first day they were by my side, they never left.

Whenever I was sad, hurt, down, they were there to pick me up. They fought for me. Literally.

No physical injure was bad enough until I was avenged. For that, I am eternally grateful.

Whenever I was happy, jubilant, extasiated, they were there to share my smile and celebrate. For that, I am eternally grateful.

They always told me what I needed to hear, not what I wanted to hear. For that, I am eternally grateful.

With you, I had the best times, the craziest adventures. For that, I am eternally grateful.

Also, I must wish for their happiness, their success. I must cherish for their wishes to become true. And I must never deny them nor forget them.

So that, someday, they return, and we'll all be reunited in a vast green field, having a picnic.

So long, dear friends.

I wish you all the best.

Yours truly.

To G. Bohër, S. Gallagher-Smith, J. Volksburg, V. Petrovkovic and E. McAllister

A tear that falls is a scream silenced.

Breath. Just breath.

There's nothing you can actually do about about it.

So just listen. Nod. Take it.

Don't cry now. Be strong. You know how it works.

That's it. Don't close your wrists, suppress your violent self.

Just take it.

There... see?

Now you cry. Let it all out.

A tear that rolls down is a shout for caress.

Mon corp sur ton corp.

Ton corp sur mon corp.

Notre corps comme un seul.

Nos coeurs comme un seul.

Ton souffle sur mon cou.

Mes ongles dans ton dos.

Je mords ton cou.

Tu tire mes cheveux.

Épuisé, nous tombe sur le lit.

Nous sommes un seul.

Lame Saint

Achei esse texto enquanto arrumava meu quarto e me afogava em textos antiguíssimos.

Bad days, good days.

Shiny days, rainy days.

Happy days, sad days.

Busy days, lazy days.

Rich days, poor days.

Solved days, troubled days.

When will all this eagerness go away?

Will I carry this all the way through

Or will I share it with someone?

I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders.

I can't stand this no more.

If when we suffer it mean we are washing down our sins, then I'm a canonized saint.

Canonized, blessed and legendary.

But dead.

Do I have a legacy?

Do I have followers?

Do I have disciples?

Do I have learners?

If not, then I' a lame saint.

But if I'm lame enough to be noticed... then I'm fine.

07/01/2007

I don not think I can by any more sure that I love you.

But every once in a while you manage to do or say something that will sweep me off of my feet and make my love for you grow even higher.

I can still feel your arms around me, holding me tight, trying to get me a bit warmer. Even though I'd still shake and freeze to death, your true concern with me was more than enough to keep me alive.

And it is on occasions like this when I know it isn't arrogance of mine to say you love me just as much as I do.

And love makes us feel different, makes us act different. That explains why you and I cry like babies every time we part.

Perhaps it even explains why I cannot cry when I'm still with you.

Yes, maybe that's it...

I do not lose hope.

Untill the very last second, something can change and you'll stay in my arms and never leave. So, I don't cry.

And then you leave.

You go out of my sight.

And my chest hurts unbearably, my legs weaken so hard I cannot walk.

Anything and everything that reminds me of you will bring me to my knees again: a song, a place, a picture.

It hurts. God, it hurts.

But you make it worth the pain.

Being with you brings all the reward I need.

You make me happy.

You make me feel safe.

You make me whole.

And that's it.

Nessa vida fiz de tudo.

Sorri. Andei. Corri.

Caí. Aah, como caí.

Chorei. Aah, como chorei.

Errei. Aah, como errei.

Tantas paredes. Tantos becos. Tantas ruas sem saída. Tantos túneis sem fim. Tantos caminhos tortos e sinuosos.

Um labirinto.

Mas todos os erros eventualmente me levaram a te encontrar.

E finalmente, acertei.

No meio do labirinto, encontrei você.

E juntos, encontraremos a saída.

B♥F

I love you more than words can say or actions can show. I never knew I could feel this much about someone. I never knew I could want someone this much. I never believed I could love someone this much.

The thought of losing you takes my sleep away. Considering the idea of not having you by my side takes my serenity away. If I ever do or say something that hurts you and draws you away from me, I'd never forgive myself. I'd never be able to smile again knowing that i took one away from your face.

I do not believe I know how to live without you anymore. Even though we live far from each other, knowing you are there and you love me and you long for me, even if a tenth of how much I long for you, is what gets me by. You are what gets me through the day.

There may be those who might say I now depend on and of you to live and that that dependence is ridiculous, naive and sick. But that's not true. It's not that I can't live without you. I just don't want to anymore. I do not wish to have to replace you. I want you.

No matter when, no matter how, no matter where. You are the one that I want.

Untill the day I die and further on.

Saying "Hello" wasn't all easy. Besides the yearning for the loving embrace, there was that feeling that something might have changed. A scary feeling.

But it went away as soon as you held me strongly in your arms, kissed me and called me yours. I felt whole again. Complete. Amazingly happy.

Nothing compares to the good time we have together. Every little pointless anything turns into an epic joke. And there's laughter. And your smile. The sweetest and purest smile.

Now, saying "Goodbye" was the hardest thing ever. Seeing that sweet smile turning into a tearful faded one tore me apart. And I cried like never before. I cried because I already missed you. Because I felt powerless, sitting on the window seat and not able to dry your tears away and hug you tight close to me and say once again how much I love you, how much you mean to me, how much I hate to have to leave your side.

Even though it is merely temporary, even though we speak every day, it hurts. Unbearably. But we'll make it through. Together.

In the end, everything gets right. If it isn't right, it isn't the end yet.

She was always the top gal. Men's gal, girls' gal, gal about town. Or so she felt. Cold blooded, stone hearted. Hurt, but over it. Desired and wanted. But it wasn't enough. Not because she scoffed those who wanted her, but because she wanted something that they wouldn't give her. She wanted Love. She needed Love. She wanted to be desired no by her body, but by her heart. She'd been hurt before, she'd given her heart to some whom didn't want nor deserved it. Ergo, she was scared.

And along came him. He swept her off her feet, like some before. He got her addicted to him, like some before. He made her feel good. Yes, many made her feel happy before. But not like this. Not that much, not that fast. He got her to forget the hurt and put everything else aside. He fell in Love with her. And so did she.

She no longer needs to be gal about town. She feels safe in his arms, warmed by his loving gaze.

In little time, they accomplished what most take years to. In little time, they got to know each other almost better than themselves. She knew he wanted her whole self, and so she gave herself in.

Their Love grew so strong that, even though very recent and utterly fresh, distance was not made a debilitating factor. On the contrary, distance makes their Love stronger. Distance makes them cherish every and each second the spend together, missing each other's embrace and yearning for a kiss.

But above all, Love doesn't fade. No. Love grows.

And it may not last forever. But even though she does not wish to see an end to it never, she keeps every and each memory treasured in her mind and in her heart, savoring each moment as the last one.