Thursday, 7 January 2010

It still hurts like hell, feeling empty and alone. And used. That's a new one... Used. The pain came and it is ripping my mind and heart appart. But I knew it was coming. I knew I'd be... used. I hoped I'd change something, make it work... But deep down I knew it would go down this way. The preparation didn't make the pain softer nor eased it. But made it seem more like... frustration. Disappointment. Preparation masked the pain. Not too well 'cause it still kills me, but not bad for a first time...

The thing is... I don't understand you. After you told me you were broken and scared, I opened my heart to you and said I was giving my all. You said I shouldn't 'cause you couldn't trust your heart to anyone else. I said I needed someone with me, by my side. You said you'd be there as a friend, for you were very fond of me. I say ok. we're friends. Bit by bit, our friendship heated 'till we (I) could no longer keep our (MY) pants. Now we're (to be) friends with benefits. But every little thing seemed to get in our way. But we'd try. When, after thinking everything was lost, we saw the light and... you left.

Words cannot express the dispair in my tears. You said it wasn't a farewell, it was a "see you later". And that it would change nothing between us. But it did.
I guess I'm not crying now because... I already cried for your loss when you left. Part of me knew that that cold cheek kiss was our last. It hurts to remember it, but that's the truth.

But what really frustrates me is this: you wanted me, my body. I accepted that. I wanted yours. I gave in easily enough. I gave more than one opportunity. But, even though risk was lowest, you never grabbed it. And always blamed it on something else.

Ah, well... you confuse me, and yet you amaze me. And I've got the hots for you. But you are gone, I'm about to go. I'm almost over it all. Starting a new phase.
But I said it once, and I meant it: "You know you're first in line..."