Wednesday, 15 June 2011

There was a time...

And then comes a time when you realize you cannot stand on your own two feet anymore.

When all strenght is gone and you can't carry on. When the tide is just too strong and you can't swim against it.

Then comes a time when you realize you are not self sufficient, fast nor smart. You realize you are just small as anyonelse. As lost as the lot of them.

Then comes a time when you realize you are normal.

And being normal, you suffer like anyone else.

To be special doesn't mean being better than the rest. It means doing something that people congratulate you for, but it won't make you better than them.

And I realize all that now.

I can't go on alone. I need help from every being around me. I need help to find my way thru this.

I need help to make myself special. Not to anyone. Special under my own eyes.

I need to believe in myself.

Once I do that, I think I can carry on.

Monday, 2 May 2011

Winter Wake

It's been a long, hot summer.

Now it's over.

The leaves are falling from the trees, the sky is growing gray.

No more unbelievable heat, no more sweating.

Autumn has arrived, and brought with him my relief. Winter will soon be here. The cold wind, gray skies, freezing nights... My body and mind shiver with anticipation.

Autumn is the prelude of my Winter Symphony. Come Winter, my tired self will be able to take a breath and be fully functional again. Summers are heavy on me. The Sun blinds me, the heat holds back all of my mental and rational faculties.

Last summer was specially hard, though. Way harder than most. No wonder the first breeze of Autumn wind set a fire in my heart: easier days are coming...

I don't mind wearing tons of clothing. I don't mind having my face blushed with the cold air or my fingertips frozen.

Winter is magical. Snowed or not, it is. Winter can do me no wrong. Winter is my element. Winter is my friend.

Winter brings me peace of mind. Winter saves me from the depths of anywhere.

Winter won't let me down. Winter will bring me back to life.


I really didn't see that one coming...
I lived for so long inside that iron armor of mine I actually forgot how it felt to be undressed of it. Surely it got damaged along the way, but all it did was to perfect it. It made me harder, better, faster, stronger. Or so I thought.

I was laced while the armor was being repaired, so I never dressed it again.

At first I thought love would be my new armor and shield me from all and any harm. But now I see it doesn't work that way. It is a different kind of shield. There are many things I must face that the love armor won't do much to help.

And I was buried inside the old carcass so deep, I'm lost. I had forgotten what it is like to cry desperately for a solution. I don't know what to do. I know I shouldn't, but I want my old helmet back. Not to get rid of the new one, but to ally one into the other.

I know I must carry on without it, and I'm trying to. But I can't help looking back at it and thinking "what if...".

But my hope is not lost. I know someday I won'r look back on any of it. I know someday I'll be able to be bare naked true and speak out. I know someday I'll be strong enough to be honest to myself.

Friday, 15 April 2011

He who has not loved...

... knows not what it is like to be empty of tears.

He who does not cherish the best moments knows not what it is like to wish them to come back like never wished anything else before.

He who has never left the loved one's embrace knows not what it is like to yearn the loving warmth back like a new born breathing for the first time.

No man should be kept away from his or her significant one. They fell in love for a reason, hence being kept apart goes against the nature of love: love is a many splendorous thing, meant to make us happy and alive whilst distance makes us suffer.

But love will find its way. Love always finds its way.

Every little thing is gonna be alright.


Seriously, sometimes I think I am a Carrie of some sort. And there's no one to blame but me. I do this to myself. I don't interact, I don't talk. I barely breath. People oughtta think I'm a sociopath or anything like that.

I wanted to be normal. I'd love to be sociable. It does make life tons easier.

Then again, people are hard to deal with. you think you know them and - BANG, you get shot between the eyes. It's life biggest, bitchiest dilemma. Or at least mine.

Sure I'd love to be surrounded by friends, go out every other night. If only they'd demand no or little emotion, 'cause I don't think I can handle a friendship break up like the last.

I'm completely lost, that's the truth.

My bestest are abroad, the others are far. Even the one closest seems way too far.

It was so damn easier when we were all friends by nature.

I don't know how to start a conversation, let alone a friendship. I just can't. so, I won't. Let my friday nights be reserved to studying calculus, political sciences, demand/offer graphs, web doll dressing, make up face chart drawing and self loathing.

Sunday, 10 April 2011

Paloma Faith's 'Romance is Dead'

The plastic flowers you gave
Sit on the table
So unstable
And there's some greasy fingerprints
On that pre wrote birthday card
You wrote your name in
And I know that you make your effort
But I think you could do much better

Are roses blue and violets red
Say it isn't true
Don't tell me romance is dead
So wake up you sleepy head
All your dreams are just a kiss away

I asked you for a letter
So you emailed
Have we failed?
Oh you kiss with such a potential
Then ask to speed up
It's not enough
And now I'm carrying my own bags up
Seventeen flights of stairs love

Are roses blue and violets red
Say it isn't true
Don't tell me romance is dead
So wake up you sleepy head
All your dreams are just a kiss away

It shouldn't take Valentine's day
Just to show you love me
You don't need any money
Just a vivid imagination

Are roses blue and violets red
Say it isn't true
Don't tell me romance is dead
So wake up you sleepy head
All your dreams are just a kiss away

Well, is it?

Saturday, 2 April 2011

I bleed it out...

Funny thing, it never really got in the way. Being quiet and submissive, keeping all thoughts, angst, anger and sadness to myself felt healthy and accomplishing. I learnt to deal it all by myself, never actually needed to straighten things up with no one, after all I had already done it by myself.

But now... I feel it is as curse. I am absolutely and completely unable to open up to someone. I can sure talk about it to another person, but to the one, never. I am stuck with my anguished, angry, sorry, crying self, unable to make things straight.

And it is little things. The problem is, there are way too many of those little things and I just can't handle them myself alone. I need to speak them out or nothing will change and the wrong will be repeated again and again. I must. Before I explode.

Although, I'm pretty sure that if I do spill my guts out and cry all I have to (again), I'll sound bitchy and selfish. But I can explain. It might not be excusable, but it is explainable: I can't and I don't know how to deal with all these situations.

I can count in one hand the friends I've got, and with the other, the number of times I actually see them, face-to-face.

And the one person I'm supposed to share it all? Well, I just can't. I'm just too damn scared. And senselessly as it sounds, it makes me even sadder that he won't just guess what my mouth just won't say.

I'm fed up with that. I ain't changing for a very long time, if I ever do. I just wish that this phase goes away. I'm tired of feeling abandoned and sad instead of happy for him when he goes out, tired of being down, tired of being so submissive to everyone. I'm tired.

I just want my happily ever after.