Saturday, 2 April 2011
I bleed it out...
Funny thing, it never really got in the way. Being quiet and submissive, keeping all thoughts, angst, anger and sadness to myself felt healthy and accomplishing. I learnt to deal it all by myself, never actually needed to straighten things up with no one, after all I had already done it by myself.
But now... I feel it is as curse. I am absolutely and completely unable to open up to someone. I can sure talk about it to another person, but to the one, never. I am stuck with my anguished, angry, sorry, crying self, unable to make things straight.
And it is little things. The problem is, there are way too many of those little things and I just can't handle them myself alone. I need to speak them out or nothing will change and the wrong will be repeated again and again. I must. Before I explode.
Although, I'm pretty sure that if I do spill my guts out and cry all I have to (again), I'll sound bitchy and selfish. But I can explain. It might not be excusable, but it is explainable: I can't and I don't know how to deal with all these situations.
I can count in one hand the friends I've got, and with the other, the number of times I actually see them, face-to-face.
And the one person I'm supposed to share it all? Well, I just can't. I'm just too damn scared. And senselessly as it sounds, it makes me even sadder that he won't just guess what my mouth just won't say.
I'm fed up with that. I ain't changing for a very long time, if I ever do. I just wish that this phase goes away. I'm tired of feeling abandoned and sad instead of happy for him when he goes out, tired of being down, tired of being so submissive to everyone. I'm tired.
I just want my happily ever after.