Give it a thought (2)

My friends say I have to let go, you are not for me, I may get hurt. But... hell, they don't know how deep I've fallen for you and nobody really understands my feelings, which are turning me crazy. It's been almost a month since the last time I saw you and... damn, I just want to see you again and prove myself wrong, that my stomach doesn't freak out when we exchange looks, that I can look into your eyes and not blush, that I can look into your eyes and see just a friend... But I am afraid of that face to face meeting because they say the truth hurts, and, believe me, loving you hurts...

(my, my...)

Only one thing is certain in life...that whatever you absolutely don't want to happen, will.

(a.k.a.: Murphy's Laws... ¬¬' )

I'm in trouble because I'm normal and slightly arrogant. A lot of people don't like themselves and I happen to be totally in love with myself.

(that's why they call me Narcisus' Nymph =] )

In order to be irreplaceable, one must always be different.

(Chanel... Coco Chanel. ;] )

just think about it. that's all i ask. i refuse to believe that i mean nothing to you.

(i really do refuse to...)

Yup, it is pretty clear, now. I have done it all wrong. I thought that by hiding my true soft core I wouldn't get hurt, but clearly I was wrong. I grew hard, got my armour on and got beaten down, nonetheless. I fell, but I rose again, twice as hard, twice as determined to hide myself inside this carcass that now imprisons me.

But now... Now the table has been turned and I'm willing to open up, show my true self to the world. Only, the don't believe me. Truth is, I've been inside this carcass for so long, and I have worn it so naturally, that people don't believe that inside, and not too deep inside, I'm just as fragile as any one of them.

People respect me. People look up to me. People are intimidated by me. But it means absolutely nothing to me right now, as I see that it all draws me apart from them.

I don't want this anymore.

I can't undo everything, but I can try to do some damage control.

And what gives me strengh to try is the thought that, when people see that I've changed, I can finally feel the warmth of a loving embrace.

ID vs EGO (1)

"Say what? Ye gonna throw it all up in the air? All we've gathered? All we've accomplished, aye?"

"Oh, please, be so kind and tell us what on Earth we have accomplished."

"We're feared. We're respected. We're looked up at. We enjoy ourselves, mate."

"But still, we're alone."

"Nay, we ain't alone, sire. We 'ave the world with us."

"Being feared and respected had lead us nowhere."

"If it 'avent yet, it will. And most certainly it 'as saved us from falling into traps. We intimidate."

"You really can't see how it affects us, can you? Intimidating people only draw them away from us. It hurts people and it hurts us!"

"Ah, well... 'choo suggest we then, lad?"

"No idea..."

"Precisely, laddie. There ain't no ohter way now. We're way past the point o' no freegging return. We go a'ead or we get keelhauled."

"We don't believe you."

"Oh, really? Then lead us out."


to be continued...

Give it a thought (1)

Boundaries don't keep others out. They fence you in.

(open up, people!)

And I tell myself to just wait. Cinderella didn't find her Prince untill the end of the stoy.

(so did Snow White, Bella, Ariel, Jasmine, Aurora......)

Sometimes you have to forget how you feel and remember what you deserve.

(a.k.a.: wake up, damn it!)

Sometimes we have to stop and let go of one dream so we can move forward with another.

(yup....)

Heaven won't take me and Hell's afraid I'll take over.

(Soooo true.... )0 )

People who don't know me think I'm shy. People who know me wish I were.

(this also happens to be SOOO true =] )

A chapter ends, a new one begins

I think that is one of the best life-related metaphors. Life isn't one great book. No. Life is like Encyclopaedia Britannica or Larousse: you have a book for each set of letter. You get one book, you get a limited amount of information only. If you want to know it all, A to Z, you need the whole collection. One book completes the other. You can go to one particular volume to read a certain something, indeed. But surely, there's something related to that in some other book.

And Life is just like that. You have books for you friends, family, work, college times, stupid things, fights, unforgettable happenings, philosophical thoughts, love. They are all connected. They complete each other. They can be read independently, yes, but you will only know who one really is if you read one's whole collection. A to Z.

Awkward as it may sound, even though all books are updated on a daily basis, according to that person's day, the books don't have the same number of chapters. No. Actually, it wouldn't make sense. Everytime we accomplish something, we end a chapter and start a new one. This new chapter, alike the last one, ought to have many sub-chapters. As many as made necessary to end this new one on the best way possible. This implies, most times, in help from facts (re)written in the other volumes. But sometimes, no matter how many sub-chapters we've written, things go wrong, we get hurt. (Obviously, as it is me writing, i mean mostly the LOVE volume of the collection, but this tends to happen - not as frequently, true - in all of them.) And because we get hurt and things don't work out, no matter how hard we try, we decide to end that chapter and start a new one, in order to (or at least try to) stop suffering.

There. I finally made my point.

Putting a final period on a chapter of LOVE is never an easy, pain-free task. But it might be (very) necessary. It takes nerve, guts and positive thoughts of a brighter future.

I am putting a final period on this chapter of my Life's LOVE so I can let the subject of this past chapter be written on FRIENDSHIP from now on. Maybe up to the very last chapter of all books. Again, this isn't easy, but it is necessary.

Therefore, hereby I start a new chapter of LOVE. G'd knows what lies ahead, but I have many chapters behind to lean on so I won't make the same mistakes again.

stabbed in the back. betrayed. ignored. not many more words or idioms can express how i feel.
nor can they paint a picture of the size of the whole in my chest or the bleeding in my insides.
it isn't the first time i give way too much value and consideration to a person who doesn't really deserve it or take care of it, nor will this be the last. but... i had reckoned that some consideration you had for me. i always knew that looking back on the tears would make me laugh, but i never knew looking back on the laughs would make me cry. and we had lots of it. we had lots of laughs. we had a good time together.

i loved you. as a lover. as a dearest friend. as a brother. i loved you enough to accept the fact that you didn't love me in the same way and i still anted to be by your side, come rain, come shine, no matter what.

you fooled me. you said we were friends. well, here's a newscast for you: friends lean on each other. friends confide to each other. friends trust each other. i leaned on you, i confided to you, i trusted you. and by doing nothing, you just made me look like i was a burden...
i am pretty much passionate. i overreact, it's embedded in my genes. i'm sensible. i get hurt too easy. and you bloody knew that.

ah, well... now, even though i want you, i... want you dead. even though i will forget you if you come to apologize, i hate you with all the strength inside of me. even though i love you, i can't stand thinking about you. it kills me. you're not worth the scars in my knuckles, you're not worth my melting make up, you're not worth the calories on the chocolates i stuff myself with.


all in all... it makes me feel like a big... nothing. a void. a blank.
and i thought... well, doesn't matter what i thought, huh?
thanks for the honesty. see you around.

It still hurts like hell, feeling empty and alone. And used. That's a new one... Used. The pain came and it is ripping my mind and heart appart. But I knew it was coming. I knew I'd be... used. I hoped I'd change something, make it work... But deep down I knew it would go down this way. The preparation didn't make the pain softer nor eased it. But made it seem more like... frustration. Disappointment. Preparation masked the pain. Not too well 'cause it still kills me, but not bad for a first time...

The thing is... I don't understand you. After you told me you were broken and scared, I opened my heart to you and said I was giving my all. You said I shouldn't 'cause you couldn't trust your heart to anyone else. I said I needed someone with me, by my side. You said you'd be there as a friend, for you were very fond of me. I say ok. we're friends. Bit by bit, our friendship heated 'till we (I) could no longer keep our (MY) pants. Now we're (to be) friends with benefits. But every little thing seemed to get in our way. But we'd try. When, after thinking everything was lost, we saw the light and... you left.

Words cannot express the dispair in my tears. You said it wasn't a farewell, it was a "see you later". And that it would change nothing between us. But it did.
I guess I'm not crying now because... I already cried for your loss when you left. Part of me knew that that cold cheek kiss was our last. It hurts to remember it, but that's the truth.

But what really frustrates me is this: you wanted me, my body. I accepted that. I wanted yours. I gave in easily enough. I gave more than one opportunity. But, even though risk was lowest, you never grabbed it. And always blamed it on something else.

Ah, well... you confuse me, and yet you amaze me. And I've got the hots for you. But you are gone, I'm about to go. I'm almost over it all. Starting a new phase.
But I said it once, and I meant it: "You know you're first in line..."